Game Quotes


Maggie: “Is that the same muffin?”
George: “No, this is a totally unrelated muffin!”
     – The Ep. 1 comment that spawned a campaign-long in-joke

“It’s my happy little mustached man … it’s my happy little mustached man.”
     – Ivan to Mr. Snuggles

(tears streaming down cheek) “Does he kill a kitten EVERY time?!”
     – Ivan to Maggie, after an in-character aside on the evils of masturbation

“So is this the diversion that allows your teammates to sneak in?”
“No, but I wish I’d thought of that.”
     – Sir Arthur Lockholm and Kimiko, after he catches her spying on an LN7 operation

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have brought a paramedic and a priest!”
     – George to the audience, while reffing Ivan’s wrestling match

“Did somebody get the license plate off of the bus that hit me?”
     – George, after a hangover – and an actual crash with a bus

“That’s the last time we put her in something with thumbs.”
     – Sabia, after Anagorais burns down Jaaros’ library

“I bet two skulls on both of them killing themselves.”
     – One of the dragons, as the legendarily unlucky Ness and a thoroughly pathetic Dragonslayer engage in a bout of mutual comedic self-mutilation

“Let’s do some recon with the UAB.”
“Unmanned Aerial Bird.”
     – Father Shane, commenting on Maggie’s wildlife control powers

“Awww, we made a furry tree cry.”

“I’ve got but one question…”
“And I have a cynical answer.”
     – George interrupting Sir Arthur Lockholm

“You know it’s bad when George can’t get the top off the bottom of the barrel.”
     – In-character comment, shortly after George’s legendarily awesome luck pulls a 180

“Hey Shane, pass me a spoon. Wait! Is it sharp?” … “Well -” … “OH GOD, ME LEG!”
     – George, demonstrating said luck

“Is all you think about money?”
“No, sometimes I get hungry.”
     – Maggie and George

(ugh) Run … No … wrong way.”
     – George, last words (as he holds off an overwhelming enemy to give everyone time to escape – and the party charges forward to rescue him)

“Not only are we trying to save the world, we’re also trying to cure cancer at the same time.”
“Damn right!”
     – Ivan and Maggie (a paramedic), on their attempts to magically heal Henry Cornelius Agrippa’s terminal disease

“I swear to god, I can’t leave you guys alone for a minute! You have no logic!”
“We have reason and logic! It’s just … flawed.”
     – Kimiko and Maggie, after everyone fills Kimiko in on the clusterfork that occurred in Kimiko’s 72-hour absence

“Jaaros … do you believe in destiny?”
"Of course. I met her once."
     – Yuri and Jaaros

Kimiko: “How far do we trust them?”
Ivan (Sergei): “About as far as I can throw them. But I can throw them a fair distance.”

Maggie: “Give us a minute. We’re thinking.”
Shane: “Actually, we’re having non-committal eye contact.”
     – Maggie and Shane, as an NPC bugs them while they communicate over their mental link

Kimiko: “Well, that means one of two things. A, he’s telling the truth. B, he’s lying.”
Everyone Else: “…”

“I’ll call her back.” (dials) “Hello? I’m sorry. Ba’harokk stabbed the phone.”
     – Maggie, during a phone conversation with modern-day Anagorais

“Way to … make a point.
     – Ba’harokk, as Jaaros breaks a dagger in half with his bare hand

MAGGIE: “Shane, I know you’re not doing the priest thing any more, but … could you bless me? It can’t hurt.”
SERGEI: “Gesundheit.”
MAGGIE: (wads up a piece of paper and throws it at him)

SHANE: “Kimiko, that is one TACTICAL cockroach.”

MAGGIE: I’ve had two naked females under my trenchcoat.
GM: Game quote!

KIMIKO: “Punch it in the fire extinguisher!”
     – On fighting a Taint-spawned junk golem


(Quotes that were too hilarious not to utter in-character, and too inappropriate to leave in continuity. Consider this the gag reel they show on the DVD Extras.)

(Bax reads verbatim from some expository text in The Fire Within.)
KUNANGOS: “We smelled the taint of the Opener of Ways upon you …”
PCs: (snicker)
PC: “What do you mean, ‘taint’?”
KUNANGOS: “Do you know the thing you call upon when in most dire need? That has many names. Fate, fortune, karma? The opposite of that, it has but one name. Taint. It clings to all that is twisted and unclean, and such things thrive off it. The Opener of Ways loves taint, and covers his servants in it.”
PCs: (stifled giggling)
PC: “What are the effects of taint?”
KUNANGOS: “It separates us from the world, from karma, from life. It makes the light harder to draw upon when we are in need, and for us (he gestures to himself and his fellow fairies in the courtyard), it warps us, changes us, darkens us, inside and out.”
PCs: (can no longer suppress their laughter)
KUNANGOS (Bax, ad-libbing): “What!? What’s so funny? This is serious business! Ophois’ taint is very strong!”

KAJI: “You have passed three of the Trials of the Dragon: the trials of Head, Hands and Heart. Now you must pass the most important trial … the trial of Hopping.”
MAGGIE: “Okay, we’re on it. How long do we hop?”
KAJI: “Until we’re convinced you’re a dragon.”
(Male ninjas crowd into the room. Silence.)
IVAN: “Ah, how come it is only Maggie and Kimiko that have to do this?”
NINJAS: “Ssssssh!”

KIMIKO: “… … I’m fisting a tree.”
SHANE: “With a blade in your hand!”
     – After Kimiko’s botch while reaching through shadow space, trying to extract Grasscutter from its living sheath

GM (Bax), to M: “He’s definitely distracted by your womanliness, but that’s not what he’s looking for —”
A (playing a very male Sergei): “Okay, I take my shirt off.”
GM: (facepalm)
     – On an airport guard who is very unsubtly fishing for a bribe

GM Descriptions

“It’s like she was having sex … with … like the universe … or something.”
     – Bax

“The only person who has ever defeated Ivan in the ring is Ivan’s mother.”
     – Bax

Player: “These guys are such fail-guards!”
GM (Bax): “Well, failguards are the core members of the fail-anx.”
     – On the utterly botched rolls of some elite mythic-age soldiers

A: “I’m spending my experience points from last session. Ivan just picked up the powers ‘Wallcrawler’ and ‘Alternate Form: Bear’.”
GM (Bax): “Okay, Fireborn officially needs rules for Sanity checks now.”

“Dragons vs. Humans. (They have a fight. Dragons win. Particle man.)”
     – From Bax’s Ep. 12 GM notes

aj: “George picks up the Magic 8-ball from the vendor’s stall, and asks ‘Are dragons real?’”
GM (Bax): (Picks up his iPhone, loads up a Magic 8-Ball app, and hands it to aj to shake)
Magic 8-ball: “It is decidedly so”

“He glows with fashion catastrophe.”
     – Bax, on Sir Arthur Lockholm

MCSWEENEY: “Sorry about all the stray thoughts. I’m new to this mental link thing.”
PC: “Just wait until we start asking you personal questions. Like, when was the first time you got laid?”
GM (Bax): (Rolls Will, fails.)
GM’S BRAIN: “Junior year in high school. But wait, across the pond they call it ‘secondary school’, he’d be a third-year secondary school student.”
GM’S MOUTH: “Before he can stop himself he remembers Mary Edwards, in the third grade.”
PLAYERS: Collectively fall off chair
GM (Bax): … … … … (epic facepalm)

S: “AAARGH! Hasn’t Anagorais learned ANYTHING from our thousands of years of training?!”
GM (Bax): “She did learn SOMETHING! She’s at least asking your permission before she takes over the world.”

GM: “Oh, god, Rape Zombie has no pants.”
     – On a guard who was killed while taking some (ahem) “alone time,” then raised with the mental state he had at death

GM: “… Are you going to give the rape zombie blue balls?”
     – As Ivan charges up a frost nova

GM: “Alright. Roll to Kool-Aid Man.”


Player: “Wait, what? ‘Fireporn’?!”
GM (Bax): “That’s some hot sex.”

“I didn’t get anything.”
“Yes you did.”
“But I didn’t WANT that!”

GM (Bax): “Hang on – how did you guys lose your police tails?”
A: “Ivan was driving!”
GM: “… Oh yeah.”

“Sounds tragic … I think I’ll have to put him back in my mouth.”
     – aj, responding to a heart-rending GM description of the struggles of a minion foolish enough to attack Ness

“Oh god. We have a Bob cat.”
     – A, reacting to the news of Anagorais inhabiting Mr. Snuggles’ body, via a Dresden Files pun

“Catering gang wars!”
     – The players’ battle cry as they cause an international incident by stealing an Indian-owned catering truck and performing a drive-by shooting of a rival Pakistani-owned company

Players: “Ivan’s opponent turns into a bear?!”
GM (Bax): (Gloats and nods. The players spent three hours of exhaustive in-game precautions to keep the wrestling match fair, and they never saw it coming.)
M: (Eyes light up) “A regular bear?”
GM: “A regular grizzly. It’s huge and mean.”
M: “Okay, Maggie activates Green Lord. I’m in complete control of the bear! It stops attacking.”
GM: “…”
A: “Awesome! I suplex the bear!”
GM: <facepalm>

“It greets the dragons with a smile, or else it gets the acid vial.”
     – Bax, quipping, after the dragon characters gratuitously kill and resurrect Anagorais a few times

     – S, describing an accidentally inhaled bird being fired from a dragon’s nose

“If you kids don’t stop that behavior I am going to turn this cave around and go home!”
     – Bax, joking around with the PCs shortly after they look out of Jaaros’ lair and realize that his mountain is moving

GM (Bax): “Sorry. Your Listen roll wasn’t good enough to overhear the password at that distance.”
aj: “They’ve already seen me. I have to continue forward.”
GM: “The guard looks at you and asks for the password.”
aj: “I’m going to say: ‘Mumblemumble, (COUGH),’ and apologize. ‘Sorry, I must be coming down with the plague.’”
GM: "He looks down at his password sheet, does a double-take, waves you through, and mutters, “‘Sorry, I must be coming down with the plague’? These passwords just keep getting more and more ridiculous.”
     – The exchange as Ness’ legendarily horrible luck pulls a 180

“To avoid gifts of opportunity, only take five foot steps.”

“How much experience do we get for the mountain?”
     – Everyone, after the Ep. 15 boss fight

Bax: (Powerthirst voice) “He ate some eggs.”
Everyone: DEER EGGS.”

M: (mishearing)BALLROOM brawling?!”
A: “Yes, by jove! Give that debutante what for!”

“You get the dragon ass… Mmmm, mmmm, dragon ass.”
     – M to S, in reference to Bax’s birthday cake

“I’m pretty sure I have seen that position before, but with pterodactyls.”
     – M, after a mention of the Eiffel Tower

GM (Bax): “… Does Kimiko really carry lubricant around with her everywhere she goes?”
S: “It’s part of being a ninja!”

A: (joking around) “Just hearing you speak makes me wet.”
Bax: “Quick, roll to Soak!”

S: “Well, that’s another reason to toss [Father Shane] into a well later on …”
A: “Yeah, great idea, throw the priest in the well with the little boy.”

GM (Bax): “Well, with a little light, you can check to see if they match their photo IDs.”
A: “In one case, no, you can’t.”
GM: “… Er, um, he’s at least the right height —”
A: “No he isn’t! He’s a head short.”
     – On an alternate-PC soldier decapitated by Ivan’s headshot

A: “Hey S., what color were Deaderick’s eyes? Blue. One blew that way and one blew the other way.”
S: ಠ_ಠ
     – On that same alt-PC soldier (previously played by S.)

GUARD 1: “Is Roberto doing OK up there?”
GUARD 2: “Yeah, he’s hanging around.”
     – S and A, ad-libbing, after Kimiko pins a guard’s body to his post with an arrow

(Kimiko has transformed into a cockroach in order to enter the secure underground facility.)
GM: “Alright, you start chewing through the screen. It tastes … metallic, I guess?”
A: “It would taste dusty. I licked a screen once.”
GM: “I … uh, stand corrected?”
M: “Seriously, Bax? Who HASN’T licked a screen?”
GM: “When did this turn into a game of ‘I Never’?”

Cockroach!KIMIKO: “kkk kk-kkk kk eeeEEEEEEEeeeee!!” (pantomimes bug motions)
GM: “… Dammit, S., that’s the best roleplaying I’ve ever seen out of a cockroach.”

Ferret!MAGGIE: (via telepathy) “Alright, Shane, get ready to MAUL FACES.”
C (Shane’s player): (nods, distracted)
C: (Spit take)

GM: “How is it that, in a game specifically set in London, no two of you are from the same country? You guys are like a four-man U.N.”
S: “The U.N.?! We’re Captain America’s planet-saving f—-ing Captain Planet task force!
A: “Game quote!”

And the most epic quote ever

Phone next to gaming table: ring
Bax: (In character, British accent) “International House of Fashion, dragon division … … Oh! Hi dad.”

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Game Quotes

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